Last week I wrote about “doing the opposite.” But how do we face uncertainty without losing heart? And how do we engage with the Lord in the midst of it?
As Christians, even as we strive to follow Christ faithfully, we have a lot to learn from modern psychiatric practices, including exposure and response prevention (ERP). Yet, while many manuals and academic studies understand the disorder from a psychological and physiological standpoint, they lack one thing: the importance of engagement with God. It’s important for us to ask where the Lord comes into the struggle and the fight against it.
In day-to-day practice, I don’t think in the language of exposure and response prevention; in fact, I’m not sure my counselor and I have ever discussed this formal technique! But for the practices we’ve set in place to help me fight OCD, the principles are the same, and engaging with the Lord is key in doing the opposite. Otherwise, the technique feels like nothing more than a cognitive battle. It will still help us tremendously in our obsessions and compulsions, but on its own it can’t help us cultivate an increasing trust in the goodness of God, which those of us with scrupulosity often greatly doubt.
The Risk of Uncertainty
Whenever we choose not to follow through with our compulsions, we’re taking a risk. Whether felt, imagined, or real, it’s a risk. When I take communion even though my thoughts are telling me to avoid it, I take the risk of eating and drinking judgment on myself. When I choose not to pray the salvation prayer again even when I feel the compulsion to do so, I take the risk of being wrong. In a way it feels safer to pray the prayer, just “to be sure.” But the only way to get out of the loop of scrupulosity is to not heed our obsessions by giving in to compulsions, and there’s a risk to that.
At the end of the day, though, how can I avoid such risks? What is any effort on my part going to do, if these warnings really should be heeded as my OCD says they should? Either way—whether we choose to move forward or stop, refrain from the compulsion or give in—we have to take the risk of being wrong. I can’t be 100% sure that I’m saved, but I also can’t be 100% sure that I’m not saved.
OCD hates uncertainty. Uncertainty can feel like the enemy. And yet, the fight against scrupulosity involves pressing into it—we must live in that place of uncertainty without trying to figure it out. It can feel like we can’t trust Jesus until we’re 100% sure that he loves us. But then where does faith come in? In a way, even Christians who don’t struggle with scrupulosity must take this risk.
Engaging with God
How can we take such a risk? Only with trust in the Lord. We can throw around phrases like this so that they become stale; they are trite, simplistic, and alone insufficient in times of anxiety. However, OCD does require radical trust in the Lord. Trust isn’t believing he will take away the struggle, but choosing to believe he will walk with us in the midst of it. We don’t need enough trust to run a marathon, but trust enough to keep on going another day when we feel like giving up. When it feels like we can’t bear a lifetime of struggle, we can bear one more day.
In his book Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, John Bunyan details his life with obsessive thoughts and intense anxiety. He sums up what it looks like to live with uncertainty and risk:
“I must continue on and stake my eternal state with Jesus Christ, whether I have comfort here or not. … I will leap off the ladder, even blindfolded, into eternity—sink or swim, come heaven or hell. Lord Jesus, if You will catch me, do so; if not, I will still risk all for Your name.”
This is a helpful picture of what fighting scrupulosity feels like: leaping off a ladder blindfolded. There’s no guarantee that Jesus will catch us—there isn’t any audible voice of God or his writing in the sky assuring us we’re safe. The only thing we have to trust is his character. Because we know certain things about Jesus—who he is, what he did, what he’s said—we can depend on him. For where else can we go but to the One who has the words of life?
That’s the foundation of our trust. In the midst of ERP, I can cry out to God. When trying to sit with the thought, I can talk to God. This takes the battle from the merely mental realm, where it’s me against OCD, into the hands of the only One who truly understands why I’m suffering and when it will end. I can take the risk knowing Christ knows all and sees all, and he, the Judge of all, will do right (Genesis 18:25).
This third, middle way—combining the helpful tools of ERP with knowledge of our Creator’s character—is not a last-minute effort to tack on God at the end. It’s about walking forward, equipped with the courage of the Lord’s kindness and promises, into the face of your fear. After all, Christ is the only reason fear is worth facing.
Courage to Keep Going
I regularly feel discouraged thinking that I’m never going to change (there’s my scrupulous all-or-nothing thinking). Fighting scrupulosity is hard, and the struggle itself is heavy. Trust in Christ is not easy, nor is it as simple and straightforward as it may appear in this post. In reality, I want doing the opposite to be like magic. That’s my ideal situation: I successfully do the opposite and then find that my unwanted feelings of anxiety or unease are replaced with comfort, peace, and joy. But reality is not like that. There are no easy answers or quick fixes to scrupulosity (as in much of life!).
Engagement with the Lord in suffering isn’t a quick solution; it’s the Christian life. Our goal—in any form of suffering—cannot be eradication of the problem. While certainly something to pray for, it can’t be the ultimate goal, because it may never be reality. We aren’t promised freedom from suffering, but we are promised God’s presence with us throughout, if we feel it or not. I can do the opposite boldly, knowing God will not hold my struggle against me. He will walk with me every step of the way, whether I see him beside me or not.
Slow, Small Steps
Each moment practicing ERP can feel so insignificant. We know that it doesn’t change our feelings. It doesn’t alter the reality of the struggle. It doesn’t even give us less anxiety, greater assurance, or deeper peace—at least not in the moment.
Then why on earth should we do it? It is the gradual movement that is key, not the leaps and sprints but the slow, small steps. Each time builds on the next. It may be two steps forward and one step back, or three steps forward and ten steps back. But there is movement! And this is how new paths are forged—by continually trekking through the brambles.
OCD demands certainty, but there is so much I am not certain about, and may never be. Our lives are so often shrouded in ambiguity. We cannot see too far ahead of us. We may not even be able to see our next step. But we take a next step anyway, trusting God is with us in the midst of the fog. We can’t see clearly, but he can. And he has never given us cause to believe he will leave us.
Grace Abounding in OCD 
Hello Abrynn, this is Jeff again I wrote in response to taking the lord’s supper and you and another person wrote kind responses , thank you. I have been reading your blog a lot and it raises questions, many questions. I think what you wrote on this one answers in advance what I’m writing here ( please overlook my lack of writing skill )
I said before I’m 71 and most of my life is now behind me . Nothing will change history. Just to be brief I don’t want to discourage anyone here . In my own case I have interpreted my Salvation doubts to a failure to simply trust the plain promises of God . This began the cycle of fear that I wasn’t trusting and and so forth – no one at the time could understand why I was having such a hard time with this .
reading the above blog you refer to using radical trust to deal with the doubts. Why if you are able to invest
trust in this way are you not able to simply believe that God has saved you? Please understand I mean no disrespect to you or anyone else here. My periods of extreme doubts about my salvation are debilitating to say the least and I find myself wishing I was never born
( remember I have children and grandchildren so being born is obviously not a decision anyone makes we are all here saved or lost
without our consent.. personally my understanding is the second birth is not caused by the decision we make
even though we are of course not acting against our will . I my case if I’m honest the fear of eternal punishment was the biggest part of it for me. I crave being loved by the father and the son but my fears are not quiet .There were one or two men who were pretty helpful to me in my first days but no reassurance lasted very long. If you look at the new testament writings it seems that what you find is the emphasis seems to be on the various obvious manifestations of the Holy Spirit his empowerment and giving assurance .
( see the book of Acts , Romans 5 and 8 in particular. The books of Colossians and Ephesians as well , my church is reformed ( PCA) and they refer to the Westminster confession.( And others ) where assurance is seen as something to be striven for and maybe you might “ receive “ it after much struggle – I see very little in scripture that reflects this in the early Church … it doesn’t seem that what we call OCD reflects the suffering you see in scripture ie. Persecution and I certainly wouldn’t exclude various physical affliction. You do find a lot of mental distress in the psalms. Does God really want his children to live without the confidence of his love . How can one share the “ good news” honestly with un unbeliever while living in agony over your destiny. True Assurance can’t be taken by violence. Jesus gave it freely to many recorded in the gospels as well as laying down some pretty almost discouraging words to others. I would have loved to hear him say to me “ be of good cheer” your sins are forgiven “ or neither do I condemn you go an sin bo more. Does that kind “ my peace I leave you” only come when he truly gives it. I find it hard not to believe this is the case. And it’s unsettling . it can’t be manufactured. Much more I could say – my daily life is a living nightmare- my wife is really suffering the effects of my disfunction also.
with respect and hope
Jeff
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Hi Jeff—I appreciate you writing. Yes, when we interpret our doubts and fears as simply a lack of trust, that can just exacerbate the struggle. We all want to grow in trust, but OCD really does affect our brains, and we come to Jesus not in repentance for high-handed sin of unbelief but rather a faintheartedness.
I am advocating that we trust in God’s promises and his strength to save us. But even as we do this, we may not feel assurance. We feel the uncertainty and aren’t really sure if we’re saved, but we’re choosing to act as though we are, choosing to follow Jesus even if our doubts and fears don’t go away. Ironically, this is a sign of faith itself.
I don’t know why God allows us to experience this lack of assurance. But I know it isn’t because he doesn’t love us; that goes against the testimony of Scripture. God isn’t withholding assurance until we get it right. It’s one of the great mysteries of why God allows suffering. I don’t have answers for that! I do truly believe that this struggle is scrupulosity and that God is compassionate toward us in it. He invites us to come to him and rest in him, and not in our feelings, thoughts, or ability to muster up our own comfort.
I hope that makes sense. I experience this firsthand and know how debilitating and isolating it can feel. But I am convinced that the Lord meets us in the midst of it. I hope you are able to find someone who is experienced in treating OCD and can help you work through some of these thoughts.
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